Random walk

He was standing alone, outside a cafeteria leaning against the concrete pillar, thinking, for a long time. There were people passing by, he had responded to their customary greetings, but he barely remembered doing that afterwards. Only thing which he was aware of was the hot cup of coffee he was holding. It was cold, unusually cold and he liked the warm feeling of the cup in hand. Suddenly he felt resentment towards himself for leaning against the pillar. “Why do I need this pillar for support”, he asked himself. He observed the pillar from bottom to top again. “No, the pillar doesn’t care if I need it or not. It is there to support the building structure. This pillar is as concrete as the pillars which I have chosen and constructed carefully for building my character”, he thought. “No, I have never doubted the strength of those pillars and will never doubt; whatever be the setbacks and difficulties. Why then do I constantly feel an attack on foundation of these pillars? I am surely too insignificant in those attackers’ eyes.” He quickly found the answer. “Sure you are too insignificant for them to worry, but the pillars are not. It is precisely those pillars which they want to attack.” “But then, who are ‘they’?” he asked himself. “They are everybody and nobody.” He had a derisive smile. He started walking back.

He recalled certain news items read earlier that day. He couldn’t believe an article titled ‘short selling rumours is not a bad strategy’ can become news. He had read a judgment passed by a Supreme Court judge which even a 6 year old will be ashamed of. But he had studied how there is invariably a ‘reference case’ for everything that happens and how conveniently a judge can abdicate his responsibility to apply rational mind. What someone does at his work is rarely different from his convictions about life, he thought. “What will happen when a manager will abdicate responsibility? He will hire a consultant. What if consultant also does the same? Who cares? It is no longer manager’s responsibility. Observe the basis of some financial instruments, he told himself, and see similar implications in real life. What is mortgaged? – ‘Who cares? Everything is fair’ attitude. What is the collateral? – The moratorium on identifying reality. Where is the derived security sold? – ‘The world market which scoffs at rational mind concept.’ Till when? – Till someone innocent doesn’t question the fundamental, like the child does in emperor’s new clothes story.”

“What is the answer of combined gang of some economists, socialists and altruists to the ‘greed’ resulting because of above theory? Distribute the wealth equally among everyone without bothering who actually created it. By their solution a beggar has righteous claim on a successful person’s wealth. It is not beggar’s fault that the other person was ‘privilieged’. Privileged? In what? Using own mind? That won’t be answered. These altruists then start applying this theory everywhere. So even when what they ask for is fair they don’t find rational argument and the supporting arguments such as “those who are in XLRI by clearing XAT have done so because of coaching institutes so they shouldn’t consider themselves special” are born.

He suddenly remembered her. It brought smile on his face. This is a good way, he thought. I can think of all questions as a conversation with her. “Will the answers be different than what I expect? Let me try.” He had lost his way to his room and reached wrong floor of hostel. “Ahhhh… not again”, he said and resumed the ‘conversation’, walking back. Many issues were discussed, argued and agreed upon. He realized it was too late and reluctantly went to bed, but the conversation continued in his mind. The last conscious question he asked was- “Why can’t I become indifferent to all these things even after understanding their true nature?”

To be continued…..

One more time

Many a times, we spend/waste time contemplating what could have been. Sometimes it becomes an obsession. An obsession so strong that we forget ‘what has been’. We forget the most memorable incidents which happened in life at some point or another, some good, some not so good. I am not trying to advocate dwelling on the past but sometimes, a remembrance of incidences from past helps in motivation, sometimes it helps in bringing a smile on face, sometimes it reminds of bitter experience and you promise yourself you would never put yourself in situation like that again. But most special are those moments which you want to relive again. Moments when recalled immediately bring the response ‘one more time’.

Today I tried to do reverse. Keeping ‘one more time’ phrase as a constant in mind, I tried to move the sliding scale through the lifetime, at various phases to check which incidences occur like a flash, without any effort.

I want to celebrate diwali like in childhood one more time. Get up little prior to dawn when it is not too dark but not too bright as well and light up fulzhadis (sparklers firecrackers) and try to draw temporary designs of glow from fulzhadis in the air. I want to visit those days of school one more time when I would finish my Tiffin during classes or during 5 min break so that the 20 min recess can be fully utilized for playing. I want to write diary one more time as I used to, capturing small, irrelevant details but writing in a manner as if I am a great author.

I want to go to my junior college one more time, when I didn’t even used to know quiz/mid-term time-table and used to carry ‘supporting material’ of all subjects and then trust my ‘special ability’ to get through. I want to live 4 years of engineering one more time. I want to relive that moment one more time when I decide to change my section in 2nd year, which till date is one of the best decisions of my life.

I want to enjoy those initial training days in HSBC one more time, when ‘one gets paid for getting trained’.I want to work with my last team in HSBC one more time. I want to relive those days in ‘Sharda residency complex, Erandwane, Pune’ one more time, creating crazy ‘kaka songs’ along with the best friends in life and literally rolling on floor laughing. I want to spend weekends exploring new restaurants and dreaming of having my ‘one-of-its-kind’ restaurant one day.

I want to meet her one more time, watch her first getting amused and then laughing at my silly jokes and use these moments as an excuse to keep looking at her. I want to tell her how much I love her fully knowing that she doesn’t feel the same way and then enjoy the feeling of burden being lifted from my shoulders.

I want to cry uncontrollably in happiness one more time like I did when Manchester United beat Barcelona in 2007-2008 Champions league semi-finals. I want to get stunned as I was when friends around me were celebrating when Edwin Van der Sar saved Anelka’s penalty and United were crowned European champions.

I want to let alcohol do the talking through Sher-o-shayari with some amazing friends from XLRI on TFEMR L-top and watch the huge flames coming out of Tata Steel change colour from blue to pink to yellow to black. I want to shriek in happiness finding beer bottle which I thought was empty, half full, experiencing firsthand the,’ is the glass half-empty, or half-full’ adage.

No matter whatever, however, wherever you do or plan to do, remembrance of some memories from past instantly bring out the response, ‘one more time’.